Baby #2 has so much ahead of him/her

I had my BIG 20-week appointment a little over 8 weeks ago, 11/19/12.  I was actually only 19 weeks and a couple of days, but I wanted to schedule the appointment before Kirby and I headed south for our Thanksgiving travels so I could share pics of this little lady or gentleman with our families.  Keith made it to this appointment, and I am very grateful to have shared seeing our babe with him and for his knowledge!!!  It is always such a gift to hear that wooshing heartbeat at a fabulous 146 beats per minute, and NO, we did not find out the sex.  It was harder this time around not to "cheat".  I mean, I do have boxes of boy clothes in the closet that I could either pack up in the attic if I need to get pink or I could clean up and put in drawers if we're having another angel boy.  Check out this handsome or pretty profile.

20 weeks profile

The doctor came in to meet with us and gave us the ole, "everything looks good, BUT.....".  You could hear it in her voice with the first word she said.  She went on to tell us that they spotted a choroid plexus cyst of 5x6mm on the baby's brain.  She continued to tell us that often this finding in conjunction with a bright spot on the heart, or echogenic foci in the heart, raises a concern for downs syndrome as many downs syndrome children have these two conditions, but not all of them do.  Confusing, huh?  Yeah, that's what I thought, too.  Fortunately, Keith was there and our thousands of dollars of education paid off as he continued to ask if they measured the femur length or the nasal bridge and a few other findings in these screenings that can often allude to downs syndrome. She confirmed that none of these were concerns with our child; that everything looked good on the babe, but the presence of this cyst.  I asked her to reiterate herself that there were no findings on the heart; just the cyst on the baby's brain, which she confirmed, and she went further to say that with just the cyst on the brain 9.9 times out of 10, the cyst resolves on its own, and the baby is perfectly healthy.  She said that she hates to even have to bring up the rest of the information that might be, but she just has to cover all her bases.  I understand that, I guess, but I also hate that they have to tell us everything even if it is nothing. She suggested that we could go to a maternal fetal specialist or wait for 2 months for another ultra sound to see if the cyst has resolved itself.  Then she looked further at my chart and realized that I hadn't had the quad screen yet, which is a blood test that can be done between 15-21 weeks to test for different chromosomal abnormalities.  I hadn't done it with Kirby or with this pregnancy because I figured I wouldn't do anything differently with my pregnancy if I knew one way or the other.  We opted to not go to a specialist and wait for another ultrasound in 2 months and to have the blood test so that I could at least know something between now and the next ultra sound and find some sense of peace.  The doctor said that since we were getting the test early enough in the day that we should get the results back by Wednesday so I could REST and ENJOY my Thanksgiving.  I couldn't wait till get this call.

I was a nervous wreck for the rest of the day, the whole day on Tuesday including the solo 5 hour drive to Nashville, and Wednesday morning. Monday night, I watched Kirby and realized that I take him and his health for granted.  I cried as I watched my sweet boy in all his perfection, created by God, wondering what I could ever have to complain about about this sweet child.   Seriously, who cares if he takes a toy from another child or screams NOooooo at me when I wipe his little nose, or doesn't nap but jumps in his bed for 2 hours.  Who cares about those little things that I often find myself dwelling on.  There was a lot of wanting to "not worry", but let's face it, I'm the worrier in this family, and besides, HOW do you not worry about the health of your unborn child or BORN child, for that matter?  I struggled with the fleeting feelings of sadness I had, feeling that I was not a good mother or good person for having any sense of disappointment if this baby weren't just perfect.  There were moments of joy for the other good findings on the ultra sound, feelings of fear, and feelings of self-loathing as I wrestled with what might be for this child that God hand-picked for us.  Why couldn't I just accept that I have NO control?  Why couldn't I just feel blessed for the life inside me?  Of course, my cornerstone husband didn't even waffle or waiver.  He has so much faith in God and so much strength to trust that what is IS and that it is a gift no matter what.  Sheesh, why couldn't I just think like that and not WORRY.  "So don’t worry about tomorrow. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Tomorrow will have its own worries" (Matthew 6:34).  Why can't I live by these words from Matthew's Gospel?..in ALL aspects of my life.  

I was so relieved and a greatly nervous when I was out walking with my sister-in-law to see the name OBGYN of IN on my phone's caller ID screen, and I was even more relieved to hear the nurse tell me that the blood screen came back negative and that everything for this baby should be A-OK.  My sweet sister held me and let me cry with sweet relief.  Mom and Dad, I'm sure your neighbors and their kids wonder just what was happening at the end of the cul-de-sac that day as they witnessed as the weight of the world came off my shoulders and an extreme feeling of gratitude and thankfulness burst within me!!!

The reason I even post this "blip" in this pregnancy is that I could choose to continue to worry about this pregnancy and this child and be negative, OR I could choose to learn to trust God no matter what path he takes me down and learn to be grateful for all he has given me and at this point, he has given me a loving and supportive family - immediate and extended; he has blessed me with an amazing husband of whom I often don't feel deserving; and oh my goodness, he has blessed me with the greatest gift of all - motherhood.  My worries as a mother do not end with 40 weeks of pregnancy.  I continue with every passing day of these childrens' lives to try to create a safe and healthy and spiritual environment for them to thrive and walk in His word.  So this little "scare" as I'll be honest enough to call it has opened my eyes to embrace this life I have and LIVE it and LOVE it.  EVERY.WAKING.MOMENT.  And I NEVER want to forget my feelings for thanks.  I want a reminder that God is good and does answer so many of our prayers.

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Fast forward 8 weeks.  I've been sitting on this blog post for several, several weeks until I had my 28 week appointment because after coming to peace with the worry I experienced, I knew this baby was perfect for us no matter the situation, and i felt confident that everything was going to be OK.  I will say, though, this pregnancy started creeping by as I was really anticipating that 28 week appointment.  I find it funny that we wanted a baby for so long with Kirby and that was my source of worry.  My pregnancy with him was easy-peasy, but this little guy or gal has provided more worry during my pregnancy.  So as a dear friend pointed out to me, no matter when, you worry about your children - be it before you even get pregnant..."omg, will I ever get pregnant" - to during your pregnancy and even throughout their entire little lives.

28 weeks profile

I was so relieved to hear that the cyst on the brain had resolved and was no longer there!  Praise be to God! So, you see there, little one, you have had more worrying long before you were in my arms.  I'll still love ya to the moon and back...how could you not....check out those chubby cheeks.  YUM.

28 week 3D face

As for the 28 week appointment, I had a great appointment.  The baby's heartbeat was a solid 143, and I found it ironic that as I was enjoying a SECOND bowl of peanut butter and chocolate ice cream at 3:00 I received a call from the nurse to let me know that my glucose test came back fine.  Somehow, despite all this ice cream I'm eating, I don't have gestational diabetes.  Now it is time to sit back and enjoy the last 12 weeks of this pregnancy and the last 12 weeks of Kirby as the center of our worlds!!!